Dear________,
I felt as though your essay was off to a great start. From the beginning of your essay I felt as if you had a great grasp on what you wanted to accomplish in your essay. I loved a lot of examples you gave and some of the small sentences you added were very witty and clever. The only thing I thought you could improve on in your introduction was your accompanying information. Your thesis was clear and strong, but the steps you took to get there were either convoluted or could have been added somewhere else. The rest of your essay was very good and i thought you used a lot of good examples, especially your more personal examples. Personal examples are always a useful thing to have because it brings in a much needed truthfulness that a lot of writers lack sometimes. The only thing for these body paragraphs that I would suggest would be to simply expand on some of your ideas as they tend to not get as much explanation or exposition as it needs. Lastly, I feel as though a naysayer paragraph would do wonders in this essay. I know it might make you go over word count a little bit, but I think it worth it. It will help you not only further your own argument, but will help to discredit other arguments as well.
The comments that you make prove helpful. That’s great! Continue to work on more consistently engaging your peer’s texts. For example, you tell your peer that their introductory paragraph could use some clearing up. Why not point out where you got lost?